A Queer heart waiting for Love…

I’m 26 and I live in Atlanta right now. I ride public trans to work. Work takes up 14 hrs of my day. So many thoughts run through my head while the hours pass by. One of the most irritating yet understandable thought that has a contonius reassurance in my head, is my definition of love and what gay love means to me. I was planted by a village of gardeners. They showed me how im supoose to be treated by fertilizing and watering my mind. They empowered me by providing me sunlight when I needed it. I never had to question whether someone genuinly loved me. The feelings of this type of love is so strong, it speaks with No words. You can read it by the light that surronds the body. Even though I was planted to be fruitful, even the villagers have to take time to themselves. They can not always protect me from outside forces. Intruders invaded my growth by taking unripe fruit, slowly breaking down my the heart and spirit. It shifted my perception. I’ll never forget when I started to wilt. My grandmother asked, “all of sudden you are looking out the window, are you ok?” I was trying to figure out what love meant. She wasn’t aware of the intruders and like plants I didn’t say anything but my thoughts were so loud. I was 6 years of age. It’s been 20 years now. I‘m learning what love means now in my adult hood. Learning to calm my over sexualized mindset. Learning to love myself while Im alone. Learning to keep to myself and to stay away from everyone. Doing my job and just going home. Accepting Adult gay men for who they are and not what i want them to be. Love has not been the most succesful thing for me. I do feel like im harboring old feelings from being in the garden. Im a tree now, and ive been through so many seasons. Ive shed leaves and grown them back again. Im learning to unlearn and to relearn. Im learning to express without anger. Im learning to treat myswlf healthier so I can heal properly. I have to start from the root. I took measures intonmy own hands. I deleted all gay dating apps. And I‘ve started doing passionate tasks like reading and weiting ti help with my healing process. When I was entertaining guys on those apps, I was being disrepsected and just allowed it. I had to stop looking for love in others and situations. I had to stop sabotoging my healing process. Im now on a real journey of truly providing the love that was watered in me. Thats the greatest love off all. shoutout to whitney the realest. of course this is a series, and of course ill update you on my journey. Whats your history with love with yourself And others? Has this affected the way you love today?

From Blogger iPhone client

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Born Queer , Raised Queer, or ?

 There has always been this debate whether people were born queer or raised queer. Now I will say that this is not to offend anyone who is trying to work through traumas that are related to being queer. This is only to assist, heal and create open dialogue about what your twitter advocates seem to ignore. In the queer community, one of the questions that is always posed is "Were they born like this or were they touched?" I believe this to be a very open and honest question. People may think otherwise. However, I pose this question too. It means a lot to me when someone asks, because they can truly understand the person and their persona. The way that people ask may be the problem or the timing may also be the problem. Neither here nor there, For those who are queer and have had individual who have raised you into queer hood, there needs to be an understanding of how you became queer. Some people seem to judge the parents. It difficult for two opposite sex parents to accept th...
Read more

Queer and Hip Hop culture

 Kanye west just released a new album. Well its the sequel to his most recent venture. So I was on you guys favorite porn site twitter aka "X" , and this supposed Hip-hop influencer stated that no one was worried about the album anymore. I just sit back and think, how would someone who classifies themselves a s ship hop influencer or commentator, not care about one of the most innovative, original, talented,  voices in hip hop. Without Kanye, there wouldn't be a lot of artists today. So doing me, I commented and stated some real life things like, "Oh I bet you care now." Of course he lies for clout and to make himself seem right but why lie? For the queer community, if you are an artist, music for us is a true art form. From my personal experience, music is an escape for us. We use music to  make sense of what we are going through. And I just don't want to put this on only queer people. I think all people who enjoy a tune or two, use it to escape their reali...
Read more

Queer and Transitioning from Sad to Happy

So Its real and its not fake. It can actually happen for all of us. We can truly be happy. We just have to find our own lake. Or maybe its the transition from Summer to Fall. Who knows, but  I am finally able to see how someone can become happy. It's like Toni Morrison. Toni Morrison didn't truly find peace until she found a lake in her back yard. I say this to say, to all my queer and black readers, Find your lake like Toni Morrison. She found a lake that provided her peace. As she was given peace, she was able to actually write masterpieces and be recognized for her artistry and work. Peace and happiness are simultaneous energy. When you are able to disassociate yourself from others issues and problems, you are able to find the peace in your own situations. Now this doesn't that trails will not come about, but what this does mean is that you are able to control the narrative a little more. Instead of feeding into what's not working out, you are able to feed into how t...
Read more