Queer and moving forward with no other choice

 You ever thought about just moving away, without anyone knowing? You ever thought about just disappearing and giving yourself another chance somewhere else? Your ever saw yourself gaining peace away from people who are closed minded? You ever found yourself seeking something bigger than the environment your culture doesn't want to change. Isolation is the key for me. I don't know about anyone who is reading this, but peace is hard to come by and I know I cant avoid people but I can find peace in solitude and creating my own environment away from those who do not seek what I seek. I am now realizing that co-dependency is my trauma and now I am learning to understand it differently. I see it in everything I do. I see it how I love and how I feel. Thats why people gravitate toward me. And I am going to start doing what my heart desires, I want to socialize with them... I am going to speak to them. I will not let anyone put fear in my heart for loving strong and great people because they fear their own deceit. I am stronger than I was a week or a day ago. I would like to thank a specific person who I  think would be a great friend and continuing this relationship will bring me much happiness. However, I do believe that me moving forward is the best option. As I have previously spoken about our queer community having a hard time moving on, well the key is speaking on the trauma that lives dormant in our bodies. Its recognizing the things that dont have words. Its understanding that what you have been through through a  different lense. I don't want to be with people I dont resonate with, I want to start loving people how I want to love them not how people treated me. Thats over now. I want something different for myself no matter what I have been through. I am tired of the feeling that I am not fulfilling myself. I have found virtue in just being silent and loving who matters to me. Creating my own self and family. That matters to me the most. I am done stressing over other shit I can';t handle. I am just going to do what I can and move on. I no longer subscribe to what they want. I don't care what they feel; or how they feel anymore because they don't feel the same for me. I will move forward. I will move forward in love and in my own right. I will move beyond what I thought was me. I am not that person anymore. I am someone else and I have no one else to thank but myself for striving to do the things I said I would. For all of those whop are reading this, How do you see yourself? DO you see yourself moving on from your job and trauma to pursuing something that actually makes you feel good? I personally want to pursue my writing and create something spectacular for people to read and refer me to. I don't want to be the face of anything or any brand. I just want my writing to speak for itself. For those queer and black that are reading, what are you doing to pursue your dreams? Are you chasing what makes you feel good? Do you believe in yourself? I was watching bridgeton and It struck me when I realized that Queen Charlotte also had been through her own hurt and understanding. The reason why she moves forward is because of the women she had to support her. the friends and the staff was able to give her the upmost love and true support. That love becomes infectious. That is the love everyone needs to move forward with no other choice. My coworker Tiffani was right, you have to be hungry enough for it. Now that Im hungry, I hope to starve. I hope to feel so empty that I fill this with all the time I need to be exactly where I want to be. I see it and Now I can't unsee it. The power it has. The strength it gives me. The understanding I feel in my heart. I don't want to be anywhere else because this is the true beginning. I am so grateful. I just want to say thank you for those who were in my life in general. all the best hurt and the best pleasures. This was all a learning lesson to get to this point and I still have more to go but it feels better knowing exactly what I am doing. It feels good to get away from everyone there at my job and who I knew before. Its happing and Im so grateful for god to be giving me this. I wish I could cut my heart and brain out of me and put it on paper to show how grateful I am. Only god knows my heart and what I mean and thats such a beautiful thing to me. I got on my knees to pray yesterday and without me even crying he told me right away through filing my heart with butterflies that he knows and I would just need the silence to fill the room. So to all my queer and black American readers, its time. You are time. Take time and use it wisely. The highest currency is on your side. 

xoxoxoxo