Queer, Healing and letting go

The trees shed their leaves. The cicadas shed their skin. Mothers let their children go off to school. People leave jobs when they are ready. Everything and everyone has to learn how to let go. For some it may be natural and for others it is learned. However for me, I struggle. I actually hold on to memories tighter than my own dreams. I makes me sad to write this because it’s true. Whoever is reading this, could you send me a virtual hug. I’m vulnerable right now and i just want you to listen to me. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how my heart and mind are set up. One of the things that strike me is my inability to let go. I still think about things that make me feel the feelings i felt when they happened. I still get chills about life and love interests that are no longer in my life. I wish i was strong enough to let go and love and live freely, but my willing heart doesn’t allow me. I still feel attached to these people. My mind continues to think about these people. I wish i didn’t anymore. I wish i could be free from the memories that make me loath my existence at many times. I dislike having a situation or memory that has sustained continually make me feel so low. I wish i could go inside my brain and pick out the answers. I wish the people i think about could tell me how they were able to let me go. I just take every experience so serious and to my heart because i cherish life everyday knowing others aren’t given the same things i am. I also know that those people who i miss weren’t always treated nice and kindly by me. I needed work but who doesn’t .. .. right? Is this the punishment people get when there growing and want change? Are the memories to hold you hostage? Well I’m sorry . Because i am sorry. I’m sorry enough to continue to hold people hostage in my brain, crying and wallowing. I would like to apologize to anyone I’ve hurt or deemed irresponsible toward. And for the two people on my mind, i wish to heal and let you go but it’s hard. I think about you all the time and it’s become so hard to unsee it not being real. I want to let you go because i want the best for you. I want what’s best for me too. I want you to feel good being you. I want to feel good being me and even if you have moved on , I’m so happy for you. I want the same…. But to all my queer, black possibly sad readers? Why do you hold on? Do you keep some situations or memories hostage in your brain? & am i the only one going through this? 


Xoxoxi


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Born Queer , Raised Queer, or ?

 There has always been this debate whether people were born queer or raised queer. Now I will say that this is not to offend anyone who is trying to work through traumas that are related to being queer. This is only to assist, heal and create open dialogue about what your twitter advocates seem to ignore. In the queer community, one of the questions that is always posed is "Were they born like this or were they touched?" I believe this to be a very open and honest question. People may think otherwise. However, I pose this question too. It means a lot to me when someone asks, because they can truly understand the person and their persona. The way that people ask may be the problem or the timing may also be the problem. Neither here nor there, For those who are queer and have had individual who have raised you into queer hood, there needs to be an understanding of how you became queer. Some people seem to judge the parents. It difficult for two opposite sex parents to accept th...
Read more

Queer and Hip Hop culture

 Kanye west just released a new album. Well its the sequel to his most recent venture. So I was on you guys favorite porn site twitter aka "X" , and this supposed Hip-hop influencer stated that no one was worried about the album anymore. I just sit back and think, how would someone who classifies themselves a s ship hop influencer or commentator, not care about one of the most innovative, original, talented,  voices in hip hop. Without Kanye, there wouldn't be a lot of artists today. So doing me, I commented and stated some real life things like, "Oh I bet you care now." Of course he lies for clout and to make himself seem right but why lie? For the queer community, if you are an artist, music for us is a true art form. From my personal experience, music is an escape for us. We use music to  make sense of what we are going through. And I just don't want to put this on only queer people. I think all people who enjoy a tune or two, use it to escape their reali...
Read more

Queer and Transitioning from Sad to Happy

So Its real and its not fake. It can actually happen for all of us. We can truly be happy. We just have to find our own lake. Or maybe its the transition from Summer to Fall. Who knows, but  I am finally able to see how someone can become happy. It's like Toni Morrison. Toni Morrison didn't truly find peace until she found a lake in her back yard. I say this to say, to all my queer and black readers, Find your lake like Toni Morrison. She found a lake that provided her peace. As she was given peace, she was able to actually write masterpieces and be recognized for her artistry and work. Peace and happiness are simultaneous energy. When you are able to disassociate yourself from others issues and problems, you are able to find the peace in your own situations. Now this doesn't that trails will not come about, but what this does mean is that you are able to control the narrative a little more. Instead of feeding into what's not working out, you are able to feed into how t...
Read more