Queer and really ready for god to move me forward

 Greetings, 


I am coming to you with an open heart.I am coming to you to let you know how tired I am of working for people and working at this job. I know y'all get tired of me saying this but it's truly draining. I feel exhausted everyday dealing with all these peoples emotions. I just want to work in an environment that exists only for business purposes. I really want to be left alone emotionally. I get tired of dealing with a lot of everyone. The only people who bring me joy here are my family and the guy Im opening my mind and heart to. It upsets me to tears that I put myself around these people. I feel even more hurt that sometimes I question god and my own path. It hurts my heart to question one of the only spiritual entities that have carried me so far through the sand. I absolutely despise my thoughts. The thoughts and feelings that I am being ignored or the feeling that my dream doesn't amount to anything. But out of all of gods creation, why do I think I am special? Why put these dreams, changes and thoughts in my head if you don't want to give me the power to make a change and difference. My prayer is to be accepted, honored, cherished and truly given the power to grow in my writing and work with others to do the same. I am boxed in here and I don't care to actually grow with the people I currently work with. They have no real reality of what is happening. I feel as though micro levels of disassociation happens to all of us. But it gets to a point where everyone must sit quietly by themselves and reflect in the mirror that was created for those reasons. To reflect, to realize and to remedy. To reflect, realize and remedy your current feelings or logical issues is the creme of the crop. The essence to all existence. I do this a lot. Recently what's been hurting me is the feeling that I may not be able to realize what's in front of me being I am such a damaged person. It truly sucks to see how my actions or things I may think can hurt the people who love me the most. I cant even recognize when someone is actually for me because I am so focused or having thoughts of betrayal. I also have these instances where I perceive others to be more aggressive or attacking me. So it's so hard for me trust anything around me. I wish I was smarter and listened to my mom. I wish I was brighter and built myself up better. I wish I wasn't so insecure to where I accepted outside noise as a way to confirm my ideals or identity. Unlearning all of these things and figuring out what works for me is one of the biggest humps to get over. Basically, getting over yourself. All these decisions I have made are hurt decisions. I just want to make decisions off of happiness and the joy of knowing I will be secured, safe, and stable as a man. People abuse and use and I can see why people react and feel the way they feel about these jobs, corporations and CEO's. I feel for those who have to do this everyday because this isn't my dream. I once asked to be similar to my mother's life but now that I walk in her shoes, I no longer desire this. I feel for her and any who clocks in at a 9-5. I have so much anxiety just by thinking my guy or my mom will get fired just because they work for someone who probably is dealing with their own demons and projecting it onto others. Thats how my CEO acts to all of her staff. The work environment isn't a vibe at all. So, to everyone that is going through similar things that I am. I am so sorry that I can not help nor change your situation. I wish I could save you and your family. I wish I had the resources and time to assist with your needs and have the time to spare for a hug or open ear. Being 26, working a 9-5 corporate job that doesn't pertain to ones major, and having to deal with the actions of others and then heal yourself.... people forget. People forget that I am learning and growing still. That I am young and provide the same grace I deserve. It just so unfair in my eyes, but I am trying to see the benefit and godly part of this lesson. I just want learn it and move on, If my lesson is communication, show me god. If my lesson is becoming a leader outside of this job, show me god. Just reveal everything to me so That I can make the arrangements to get to my destination. I hope god does the same for you. 


xoxoxoxo

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