Gay and Turning a New Leaf

I’ve been angry and upset for so long. I have harbored and held on to shit for so long because it is affecting my brain chemistry. I am young so I am still learning the true process of forgiveness. I am also still in the job of allowing myself to let go of certain issues that have stayed with me for years. I guess I was traumatized by certain stuff, and I have learned to block it and put the issues down until it arises again. It’s not healthy. I need to deal with it and move forward. Not ghost the situation or run away from it. I also feel like harboring has a huge roll in present day mindset and how one may feel. Even though what you’ve been through doesn’t excuse others to presently treat anyone like shit. But for one’s own health, it’s best to unpack, heal and let go… truly. I find myself being angry or upset about things that I can no longer control. Many examples such as, the urge to contact my ex-lover or the feelings I get when I feel alone or not heard…sometimes even the feeling of failing and not being successful. I must learn to just be and allow. Everything that I have forced in my life has been horrid or shown to be not for me. I have forced lovers, jobs, and situations that never needed a push. I have always been very “get what I want” any means necessary, however, not everything you want is good for you. So, one should not perceive desires as what god needs for you to have. The wants are geared toward something manifested in the materialistic/ capitalistic world. That wasn’t God’s plan. I am just proud that I am learning these things. I just have a head and heart full of anger toward how people treated me. I do get unfair treatment, but it would be a true disservice to myself to continue to have negative feelings toward them. NOW, let’s be clear. I still don’t like who you are. I will never engage with you because of who you’ve shown me. But I will never disrespect one like one did me. I will never go below the belt. I am just going to state the facts and move on. I am going to keep my voice low and not say anything at all. Just observe and watch them think for themselves. Literally, watch and observe. The tongue is the most powerful weapon so we shouldn’t use it until it’s ready and sharp. I must make it my duty to protect my health. Which is very inclusive of my mind and heart. I really want to be as healthy and light as possible. So that’s my journey rn and that’s the leaf I am turning.

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